Ep 15 | How to Grieve Because It is Okay to Grieve
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Full Episode Transcript:
Intro
Grief is the experience we go through when something or someone is taken away from us. It is a sense of loss, although not necessarily the loss of something positive. And it is a loss that is personal and individual. What one person experiences as a loss will be quite different from what someone else does.
My original plan for this episode was very different. The title was different. The subject matter was about the same, I knew that I wanted to talk about grief and how to push through it. And like the rest of this season, I wanted to interview a friend about how they kept going even through the lowest moments of their lives.
But then, their lows kept getting lower. And lower. And miraculously, they kept pushing through. But I realised that I was about to make a mistake that a lot of us make when we have a friend that was hurting. I was trying to find a bright side, “Oh but look how strong you are,” I was hoping they would get past it, “I hope you feel better soon,” I was trying to put the burden on them to figure out what they need, “Let me know if you need anything.” And all of these would come with love and good intentions, but ultimately a big part of this would be me not wanting to see my friend in pain. Because what hurts them hurts me. And I don’t want to feel that hurt.
I’ve been there. I’ve gone down to the depths with a friend, trying to pull them out, only to grow impatient and abandon the struggle like there is some sort of set timeline on grief. It’s ok, I can admit it. I can admit to wanting them to feel better so I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Hell, I even thought about using a grieving person’s grief to help other people through this very podcast, like, “look! They can get through it! You can, too!”
Because I felt helpless. Because I didn’t know what else to do. Because I love you and I don’t want you to hurt because when you hurt so do I.
But today as I mourned every person in my life that was grieving right now and I felt it take its toll on my physical body, I was reminded that it is not my job or purpose to help a friend out of their grief. That I couldn’t do it if I tried.
But I can be with you there.
Today, on Loose Change, How to Grieve Because It is Okay to Grieve.
Part 1
Today’s episode is dedicated to you, Friend who is raising two beautiful girls, but now one of them is sick and may be for a long time. Can I sit with you, here, in this place and be by your side? I can’t pull you out. I won’t try to force you to move. But I see you. And I love you. And I am here with you, my dear friend.
Your mind may be pulled in all directions right now. I hear you when you say, I need to help my baby through this trauma, our lives are going to be changed drastically, I need to take care of my oldest. This is not the life you pictured for your girls. This is not the carefree life you wanted to give them. It’s okay to mourn this. It’s okay to miss the joy from your daughter's laughter as it filled your home. It’s okay not to be sure what to do next. It’s okay not to try to be positive all the time. Do what you can when you can with what you have in you. There is no right way to go through this.
Today, I cried alone, thinking of you. I prayed for you. Got people who do not know you to pray for you too. My hope is that when you feel alone, if this all is weighing down on you, that something in your spirit let’s you know there are people that you know and people you don’t praying for you and your little girls.
Part 2
Today’s episode is dedicated to you, dear Friend who has just lost her father. Can I sit with you, here, in this place and be by your side? I can’t pull you out. I won’t try to force you to move. But I see you. And I love you. And I am here with you, my dear friend.
I hear you when you say how much this hurts. What a comfort it is to those who love you that you find ways to express your pain. Allow us to comfort you in return as you go through the hard work of grief. Never feel guilty for what you express. Never doubt your need to express it. Never feel the need to rush through it.
What we prayed would not happen, has happened. So in this time, I will remind myself of the peace that we also prayed for, for the ways that God blessed and walked with your family, of the grace that he showed you. And this is not to guilt you into a false gratefulness. It is because I believe that he will continue to be a comfort for you, like you’ve said before. That he will never leave you and it is okay for you to rest and rely on him.
Closing
For other friends that are grieving: the one who is struggling with loneliness and has lost their income, the one who is struggling through a returning illness right after the birth of his first child, and for all of us that are mourning the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Trayvon Martin, and countless other victims of systemic racism. Right now, life isn’t going how you or I pictured it. What we thought could not happen, has happened. What we thought could not leave us, has left. And we find ourselves here, distracted, lost, limp, numb, broken, helpless, hopeful, afraid, guarded, relieved, guilty, hurt, on the edge, wondering where do we go from here. If this is where you are, that is okay. There’s nothing you have to explain, nothing to justify. I hear you and I love you.
Outro
If you are looking for more guided prayers, I’d recommend you check out the book Daily Prayer with the Corrymeela Community. That’s where the prayers you heard earlier were from. The definition of grief and much of this episode was taken from How Do I Help a Hurting Friend? by Rod J. K. Wilson. I also want to give a special thank you to Oliver Ip for his help today and everyday in just how to care for other people. If you would like to pray for the friends I mentioned in this episode or for those grieving in your life, I would encourage you to do so. It makes a difference.
Next week, I’ll have another interview to share with you.
I’ll talk to you then. Don’t forget to reach out to someone you care about. Meet them where they are. Listen to understand.
Ok, love you. Bye.
If you'd like some additional resources on grief, check out these:
New episode next week.
