Ep 21 | 4 Page Letter
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Description
If you've listened to the last season of this podcast, you'll know that my husband lost his job here in Hong Kong and with two kids and two sets of student loan debt, we have to be a two income household. Paying US$2400 for our 600 sq ft flat doesn't help either. But we were hopeful, optimistic. We believe that after 10 years of working for the same company, it was time for David to find something new, something better, that this was a chance to flex these skills elsewhere. That was back in March. And here we are in September. And 6 months of rejections has really taken its toll on us, on him. So with the money we have left and our daughters by our side, we prepare to leave.
Full episode transcript
INTRO
This morning I was listening to the Hamilton soundtrack from start to finish, as I often do when I need to be productive and focused. Dancing at my desk? Yes. Singing out loud? What?? Come on, there are people around!
Today especially, I needed to be productive and get work done. I'm coming off a week of beyond late nights that don't agree with my spirit followed by a week of being utterly useless. And, if I put my shame and denial aside for a second, I'm avoiding speaking with God. The last time I was intentional about listening for Him, I didn't like what I heard. But I do know what I heard. It was clear. And accurate.
He told me to, "Prepare to leave."
If you've listened to the last season of this podcast, you'll know that my husband lost his job here in Hong Kong and with two kids and two sets of student loan debt, we have to be a two income household. Paying $2400 US for our 600 sq ft flat doesn't help either. But we were hopeful, optimistic. We believe that after 10 years of working for the same company, it was time for David to find something new, something better, that this was a chance to flex these skills elsewhere. That was back in March. And here we are in September. And 6 months of rejections has really taken its toll on us, on him. So with the money we have left and our daughters by our side, we prepare to leave.
I'm not ready to go, you know that. I'm not ready to leave my home, my friends, my coworkers, this life that we've built together here. I've finally had the chance to grow and change and find out who I am, who I want to be and make my mark. I finally started believing that I could do that and now... All I can see is all I'm leaving behind.
That's why I've been struggling to stay focused at work, that's why I'm having trouble sitting down to produce this podcast, that's why I haven't talked to God again. I'm so... disappointed. I don't want to prepare to leave. I don't want to leave at all.
But as my Spotify began to play the song One Last Time, I slowly began to think of how I want to leave this place, what do I want to leave as my legacy. And so, as I remain obedient and prepare to leave, I decided to write this to you about where I'm at and where I'm going.
So today, on Loose Change, 4 Page Letter.
Part 1
Though in reviewing my time here in Hong Kong, I am unconscious of anything that I might be leaving Intentionally unfinished. I am nevertheless to sensible of my own shortcomings not to believe it possible, if not probable that I have left many things unfinished. But I will also believe that you will view my absence and all the things I’m leaving behind with fondness and nostalgia.
My first year in Hong Kong, I fought to set down an anchor so that we could stay and survive. Dave was already working but I didn’t have a job so I freelanced with no experience in the HK market. I applied to every full job in graphic design that I could find. I worked days, I worked nights. I sat on the couch. I guilted myself for sitting on the couch as if there was more that I could be doing, should be doing, in a new city on the literal other side of the world where I didn’t really know anyone. I didn’t even know all that I didn’t know, or what I needed to learn. I was still focused on the path I thought life had to go down: you don’t have a job, so your job is to find a job until you find a job and make yourself useful to the world once again. Nothing else mattered. Survive Deanna. Your family is depending on you.
My first year in Hong Kong, I learned what being a mom would look like for me without having a local support system. I felt alone, isolated, scared. I didn’t know how to manage my anger besides letting it out and regretting it later. Aria was 2. Very very two. She had so much energy, she was so bright and effervescent. And damn she was smart. And I didn’t have any way of supporting her. No daycare to send her to learn. No friends to setup play dates with. No extended family to love on her from all sides. Those first few weeks were just me and her, getting to know each other while we got to know the city. And did you know I have absolutely no sense of direction. Mom guilt was thriiiiiiving. Just flourishing! Soooo much guilt of the motherhood persuasion. Because this is what we prayed for, to live in Hong Kong. And no, we didn’t fully understand what that would mean or what that would look like, but we wanted it. How do I explain to my only daughter, you don’t understand this yet, but your mother is failing you.
I had to rely on the kindness of strangers that I didn't know I would find. Some moms in a facebook group suggested I check out a playroom near the hotel we were staying in. There Aria ate blueberries while being enchanted by the owner singing Let It Go. And I got to share my portfolio with the other owner and pick up a new freelance client. And we got a glimmer of sunshine on a really cloudy arrival.
Part 2
My last year in Hong Kong, I was introduced to Deanna. The Deanna who actually loved herself and her faults and loved people and their faults. The Deanna who learned that is was okay to ask God questions and listen for His answers. The Deanna who heard God make jokes! I kid you not! God is hilarious and He always knows exactly what I need when I need it. I'm sorry I've been avoiding You.
The Deanna I became in my last year in Hong Kong, before I even knew it would be my last year, began to stop hiding, ignoring and denying her gifts. I started to water them and feed them and watch how they could serve others. God, forgive me for using the gifts and ignoring the Giver.
Recognising my gifts allowed me to do more for others, especially in ways I felt like I didn't get when I was working in America.
My last year here is where I realised that my voice mattered, and not only mattered, but was worthy and not only was worthy, but was valued. You showed me that. You, dear listener. You walked by my side through my lowest valleys, sat by my side, listened, let me talk. I can't tell you what that meant to me time and time again. And the reward was our mutual care. I was able to learn how to care for you better, how to see you for you. And even when we got it wrong as we often do because of that whole human thing, you taught me not just about forgiveness, but about reconciliation. Oo the awkward and loooong and drunken conversations we've had. Remember the time I started hyperventilating and hid under a table for like an hour? And what did you do? Brought me flowers. Stayed on the phone. Prayed. Let me feel.
Remember that time you reflected back to me that I believed that I wasn't good at anything? My whole life I lived under the assumption that anything I didn't receive, I didn't deserve and anything I did receive I didn't earn. I thought that I was only as good as the last thing I created and I could never create anything good on my own. You did not let me stay with that way of thinking. You made me trust you and made me do the hard, embarrassing, necessary work of changing what I said to myself. You made me question it. Trace it. Doubt it. Let it go.
Do you know what you did? You became Guru Pathik, unblocking Aang's chakras so he could reach untapped potential. Bonus points if you get that reference. Double points if you google it. You made me face my past and question everything that I thought was set in stone. I can never repay you for that. Doesn't mean I can't try.
Oh and remember that time I started a podcast? It was supposed to be just for me. Because I love listening to podcasts and my video editing skills were not as high as my video editing standards. I didn't even tell anyone when it launched. Or when I added more episodes. But, I had just enough courage to share it in very small facebook groups. That was enough. It wasn't until you started sharing how much you saw yourself in the stories I was sharing. How you now were finding words to describe how you were feeling. I recognised that, I know what you mean. There is something so, am I'm not exaggerating, so life changing and validating to feel seen and heard. That's when I knew, I had to make this podcast for you as much as it's for me.
Outro
Atlanta is the next step in our journey. What happens when we arrive? A voluntary quarantine to start. And then... I don't what happens after that. Besides finding a job and a car and a place to live, I think my biggest worry is the corona virus. I'm leaving a city with mass testing and 99% of society wearing masks to a country that still has cases on the rise and debates over whether or not we need to actually do anything about it. And you know, I kind of get it. America is a country that is often forced into change against its will, which is kind of familiar. Actually we'll talk more about that another time.
The long and short of it is we are going back with no jobs and no clue what happens next so we are completely relying on God. But I've promised myself to fully explore all my options, besides going straight back to a desk job. We can talk about that more another time, too.
Atlanta may be our next stop, but we don't know our final destination.
One last time, relax, have a drink with me. I have a few things I want to leave you with in Hong Kong. I want you to know that it's okay to be sad about this, to feel the loss. Before I shared this news, I didn't appreciate how many people have grown to deeply love and care for our family here. I'm still not always able to recognise any real impact that I make. Please forgive me for my oversight. Thank you for trying to hold it together for our sake, my sake. For asking how you can support us first. To be honest, I've been trying to hold it back too. I don't want to make space to grieve this, I don't want to fully feel how hurt I am. I don't have time. I still have so much to do. Let's take a break tonight, and then let's start feeling the feelings out. Let's cry about it together. Let's be angry. Let's question. Let's be honest about what we've meant to each other. You, you have deeply impacted me in a way that will outlive the time we got to spend together. I am so grateful to have you in my life.
I want you to know that it's okay to be excited about this, to celebrate the upcoming journey. For you, this is not a loss, but a gain. Because I'm coming back home to you. Because the loss you felt before is finally coming to an end. Oo this one is complicated. To be honest, I know that joy will come, but right now I'm so deep in my feelings most days, that I don't trust how I will react to your happiness. But be happy anyway. I mean it, I really do. Talk to people about it. God knows, we need something to look forward to now a days. And until we reach your level of excitement, please be patient with us, offer us a little grace. We're not coming back the same people as we left. I don't want your first impression of those people to be... grim. I do anticipate with pleasing expectation what relationships we will renew and fortify. My my, how we all have changed.
Prepare to leave, God told me. Teach them how to say goodbye, said Christopher Jackson.
I love you. I'll see you again soon. Ok? Bye.
Loose Change was produced and hosted by me. The music featured on this episode was created by Underbelly, Birocratic, and Otis MacDonald and the segment intro was mixed by me. A special thank you to Emmanuella for letting me cry on the phone until I could create this episode. For full transcripts and cover art, please visit loosechangepodcast.com/episodes
This episode was a little different than what I told you was coming for the new season, but I hope you understand the circumstances. New episode next week.
