Ep 22 | Who Can I Run to?
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Description
When I wrote the episode Please Don't Ask Me if I'm Okay, it came as a response to the amount of people asking me and many of my black friends about their mental state without fully understanding what they were asking for. I followed up that episode with What Not to Say When You Don't Know What to Say. That was a totally practical interview with Oliver Ip, pastoral scholar and psychologist in training. In that episode, Ollie and I went over things one should avoid saying to a friend that is grieving or in pain. I asked Ollie, how do you tell someone that you don't see them as 'safe.' That they are not who you would like to give access to your grief or pain for the sake of your mental stability or because you're not looking for advice or whatever. So listen to hear his response.
episode transcript
not including the interview
INTRO
This summer, when the world was exploding and white people seemed to just realize how bad racism in America is, I wrote the episode Please Don't Ask Me if I'm Okay. It came as a response to the amount of people asking me and many of my black friends about their mental state without fully understanding what they were asking for. And okay, to be fair, the askers' intentions were probably coming from a good place. And though I left them with a few helpful options,
[Clip from Episode 18: Please Don’t Ask Me if I’m Okay']
I followed up that episode with What Not to Say When You Don't Know What to Say. That was a totally practical interview with Oliver Ip, pastoral scholar and psychologist in training.
In that episode, Ollie and I went over things one should avoid saying to a friend that is grieving or in pain.
[Clip from Episode 19: What Not to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say]
There was a clip at the end that didn't make it into to the episode, but I thought was so helpful and so needed, that I'm bringing it to this one. I asked Ollie, how do you tell someone that you don't see them as 'safe.' That they are not who you would like to give access to your grief or pain for the sake of your mental stability or because you're not looking for advice or whatever. Because you do not owe everyone access to yourself, especially right now when it can feel like we are one more change away from the edge.
So stay tuned for that. But first, I want to introduce you to my play cousins who discuss race, culture, ethnicity and our ever changing world on their podcast.
Today, on Loose Change, Who Can I Run to?
I See You
You ever listen to a podcast so much that you feel like the hosts are actually friends of yours? And know I'm not talking about this podcast because I feel like we actually are friends. Some of the podcasts I listen to though, I find myself responding like I'm having a conversation, laughing out loud, or just learning from a trusted friend.
When I first moved to Hong Kong, I felt incredibly lonely and I realised just how much I missed black voices. The various accents, the speed, the language. I just missed black people so much. Fortunately, my deep love of podcasts gave me access to so many content producers back home.
One of my favorite podcasts is NPR's Code Switch with Shereen Marisol Maraji and Gene Demby. Now, I know what you're thinking, it's NPR, public radio. A little dry, a little dull, and a weeeeee bit white. But Code Switch is a podcast that explores overlapping themes of race, ethnicity and culture, how they play out in our lives and communities, and how all of this is shifting.
Wait, sorry, real quick, you know what code switching is right? When you change the way you talk, act, dress based on who you are around, especially when in mixed company. However, I will say, Gene and Shereen do not code switch when they host.
Okay so anyway, one of my absolute favorite episodes was called, "What's in a Karen?" and it actually came out when I had a run in with my own Karen-type person. But that is a story for another day.
In this episode, Code Switch dives into the history of the name as a term and its predecessors. What makes a Karen is not a new phenomenon, just like entitlement, privilege and overreacting to mild inconveniences especially when it involves black people is nothing new.
But then they went deeper than the name. They went into the history, the ideology, the inheritance and the evolution of the 'Karen' who was actually formerly the 'Becky' in the 90s and 'Miss Ann' in the 1800s. It was a really enlightening summary. One line that really hit home for me was, "[Karen] and Becky may not wear Miss Ann's hoop skirts, but they move through the world in the same way: certain of their right to be there, certain they have more right to be there than you. And it is that certainty that's so dangerous."
Ok, fine, I'll tell you about the experience I've had with my own Karen. I had a Karen at my job and the micro-aggressions from her eventually added up to full blown racism. She was a volunteer and every time I saw her she would reintroduce herself to me, title and all as if we had never met before. Sometimes her greeting was, "Are you supposed to be here?" as if it was her job to police where people were allowed to be. Every black man she came across, she would ask if he was my husband (and spoiler alert, she has yet to be right). And I could have just ignored all of these things and gone about my life, until the time when we were working on the same project. I made the mistake of enforcing a professional boundary which this Karen thought was completely unreasonable. So unreasonable in fact that she thought it was necessary to tell my boss that I was rude and angry.
That's right, Karen dubbed me the Angry Black Woman. To. My. Boss. I will say, there was a happy ending to the story. Because I am a professional, I documented all of our communication and sent it to my boss. He then went back to explain to her why she was wrong and she apologised to me. Which to be honest, I didn't see coming.
Anyway, all that to say, you should check out the Code Switch podcast. Gene and Shereen were really a comfort to me when I needed it. I hope you like them too. Find NPR's Code Switch on Apple Podcasts or wherever you found this podcast.
By the way, this is not an ad or sponsored. I just really want to introduce you to voices I adore.
Outro
Now that we know we are moving back to the US, I’ve started wondering what each moment will look like when I get there. When I want to try something that I am afraid of, who will I turn to? When I want to talk about our goals, who will listen and dialogue with me? It’s not that I don’t have family and friends in the States, I have great relationships. Relationships... that I haven’t tended to in awhile. Relationships that may be like we’re meeting each other for the first time.
I’m a really social person, but I find it reeeeally hard to trust people. I am quick to share the high points of my personality under the guise of transparency, but the parts that I’m not proud of, the parts that are still a work in progress, I keep them pretty close to the chest. And I instantly resent anyone who tries to force them out of me.
But in the spirit of this podcast, let’s question this view I have of myself. Is this still true for me? A lot of my general mistrust of people comes from good old fashion common sense, but I’m sure there are parts of it that come from fear. Fear of outcomes, fear of putting myself out there and being rejected for who I am. Because I was made to believe that black people looked, act, talk a certain way and anything outside of that was considered well “white” or “other.” And that wasn’t a good thing. And I didn’t want to be different, I just wanted to be me and be loved for that. And now I love who I am! I love that I’ve been trying new things that make me deeply uncomfortable, like talking about the things I don’t like about myself with you.
Dear Listener, who are you talking to? Not everyone in your life has a right to unfiltered access to you so who for you is safe? Who are you allowing to see you as a work in progress? Do they know who they are? I think, I think you should tell them. And sure, maybe it goes without saying, but maybe it doesn’t. And if you don’t want to tell them, what’s stopping you?
Sorry, I know, I know I’m asking a lot of questions. I just... I just want you to love and be loved in return. I want you to have a best girl friend or guy friend or auntie or somebody that is in your corner.
If you don’t want to tell them, just say something like this. Say, “My accountability partner Deanna wanted me tell you that she said thank you for being there for me.”
And when they ask, “Who the heck is Deanna??” Say, “oh, you don’t know? She hosts the podcast Loose Change! You should listen!”
Thank you for the shout out.
All right, I’ve gotta go. Talk again soon, let’s say next week, same time. Ok? Cool. Love you. Bye!
Loose Change was produced and hosted by me. The music featured on this episode was created by Anno Domini, Birocratic, and Bad Snacks and the segment intro was mixed by me.
A special thanks to Oliver Ip for your continued support and really easy interviewing style. For episode transcripts and cover art, please visit loosechangepodcast.com/episodes
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Be back next week for another new episode.
